You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
