You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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