I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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