I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
