I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
