i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
