His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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