Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
