Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
