Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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