he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
