Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Alive.
So much puke
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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