Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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