He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
