I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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