bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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