he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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