Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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