Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
