today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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