Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
