from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
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did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
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Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???