Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
