please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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