The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
