mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
