I'm lost and stupid without you.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
