I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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