I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
