The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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