last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
