I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
