How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
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What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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