never play flip cup with pint glasses
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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