tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
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