I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
