I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot