Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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