He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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