i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
