I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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