oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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