I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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