I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
