I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
