Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
