How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
