I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm passing your future prison.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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