Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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