did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
