I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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