Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize