how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
