i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
