I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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