i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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