if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
